


A (Almost) Flaming Christmas Ham

by DarkMasterKatt



Series: Ineffective Cooking Methods of the Doctor [3]
Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Christmas, Cuties, F/F, Fluff, Space Gays, Useless Lesbians
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-26
Updated: 2018-12-26
Packaged: 2019-09-27 18:13:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17166860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkMasterKatt/pseuds/DarkMasterKatt
Summary: It's Christmas and the Doctor has Yaz and some old friends on board the TARDIS. There's almost an incident with a ham, but everyone shows up in time to stop it.





	A (Almost) Flaming Christmas Ham

**Author's Note:**

> So, I wanted to get this up before Christmas was over but didn't quite get it finished.
> 
> It's a little more other character heavy, but I thought Thirteen and Yaz could use some company from other space queers, and I just miss Jack and Vastra. Besides, a drama free Christmas for the Doctor seemed needed, since we didn't get a Christmas special this year and the last few have been feelsy.
> 
> Once again, this isn't beta'd so all mistakes are my own.

Christmas, one of the Doctor's favoriate holidays. This year she was determined to not get up to too much trouble. Ryan and Graham had decided to spend Christmas together, but Yaz's family didn't really celebrate. This meant it was just Yaz, the Doctor, and a few old friends aboard the TARDIS, or so the Doctor had said.

"You'll love 'em, Yaz! Vastra and Jenny. Guess Strax too, but he's a potato." The Time Lord had explained.

"Potato?" 

"Well, he looks like a potato. He's a Sontaran. Bit dim, very violent, and very potato-y."

"Right... Vastra and Jenny? Who are they?"

"Lizard woman from the dawn of time, and her human wife."

"What?" Yaz stared at the Doctor, eyebrows lost to her hairline.

"Somethin wrong with that?"

"No, no... just, where is it you said they lived again?"

"Victorian England."

"A lizard woman and her human wife, live with a potato-looking alien in Victorian England?" Yaz couldn't even begin to fathom how that worked.

"Yep! And we're picking them up for Christmas! Then we'll see if Marilyn wants to join us... then again, not sure how she'd take me being a woman now... I was a man when we 'married'." The Doctor used air quotes around the word married, mubbling something about it not being a real chapel. Yaz couldn't help but stare.

"Marilyn, as in Marilyn Monroe? Married?"

"Yeah, one Christmas me and some friends were at a party at Frank Sinatra's hunting lodge, 1952. Real great party. Well, til I somehow ended up engaged to her and then there was this chapel. It wasn't a real one! Couldn't have been."

"You got married to Marilyn Monroe on Christmas?" She laughed in disbelief.

"It was a very interesting party, and in my defense Kazran and Abigail were making out when I tried to leave so I couldn't. How do people do that? Just make out and not breathe? Then again, River certainly seemed to know how... Oh! I could invite Cleo! Though, introducing Ancient Egypt to Christmas probably isn't in my best interest..." 

The Doctor was rambling now, on and on about all the different people she could invite to Christmas dinner. Quite a few seemed to have been spouses of the Doctor, which, if Yaz was being honest, was very odd. But the blonde was so excited. She talked of a man named Alonso and another named Jack. Neither of which were straight, apparently. Yaz simply watched the Doctor move, barely paying attention to what she was talking about.

Sometime later, Yaz was sat in the library with Vastra and Jenny, the Doctor off in the console room, trying to get in contact with more friends for Christmas.

"So, how long have you been with her?" Vastra questioned.

"September, I think it was?"

"And is it just you?"

"No, there's Ryan and Graham, too."

"And where are they now?"

"Back home in Sheffield, wanted to spend the first Christmas without Grace, at home, just the two of them."

"And why are you not at home?"

"I'm Muslim, my family doesn't really celebrate Christmas. Besides, I'd rather be here."

Vastra and Jenny shared a knowing look that made Yaz feel more than a little awkward. However, before she could ask, the Doctor came rushing into the library, excitement all but pouring out of her. It was interesting to see just how much energy the Doctor always seemed to have, never quite able to sit still. Always buzzing.

"Jack's coming to Christmas!"

"Is he going to behave himself, or will I have to hit him, again?" Was Vastra's response.

"He's not that-" Jenny started, but a look from her wife cut her off.

"Who is he?" Yaz wasn't sure what kind of man could simultaneously have the Doctor this excited while also having lesbians want to hit him.

"Captain Jack Harkness, and you are?" The voice came from a man sauntering into the room in a long blue trench coat, who seemed all too confident in everything, he practically oozed it. He was conventionally attractive, in a lot of ways, but he had an air about him, like the Doctor did. As if he was far older than his appearance let on.

"That's Yaz! She's brilliant! You'll like her!" The Doctor answered for Yaz, literally everyone sharing that same knowing look that Vastra and Jenny had just minutes ago. 

Jack held out his hand and Yaz took it, the brief shake turning into Jack kissing the back Yaz's hand. "Pleasure to meet you, Yaz. She keeping you busy?" 

"What?" A blush took to Yaz's cheeks, because the way Jack spoke and how he acted implied so much more than the simple question let on.

"Jack, do behave." Vastra's tone had an air of command to it and the man frowned slightly.

"I am behaving. Can I not ask a simple question?"

"NO!" The Doctor, Vastra, and Jenny all yelled in unison, leaving a pouting Jack and a confused Yaz simply just staring at each other.

"We should talk later." Jack motioned between himself and Yaz. "Without them."

"Jack!" There was an offense in the Doctor's tone, as if she was being defensive about something, but it didn't make sense. Why would the Doctor be defensive?

"What?! I'm not flirting with her!" Flirting? Why would the Doctor think he was flirting with her? Why would the Doctor be defensive of him flirting with her? The Doctor gave Jack a pointed look, that likely wasn't near as effective as she wanted it to be, because it just seemed so out of place. Like a puppy trying to convince you it was mad at you when it really wasn't.

The Doctor excused herself back to the console room and Yaz decided then was the best time to also excuse herself. She needed a breather, get away from prying eyes, maybe try and take a nap. While she didn't mind meeting the Doctor's friends, it was all getting to be a bit too much, like her family could be. She'd come along to get away from them. She didn't need the attention from a bunch of strangers acting the same way.

As Yaz lay in bed, mind swirling far too much to actually let her sleep, there was a knock on her door. She sat up, looking at the figure stood in the crack of the door. It was the Doctor, concern all over her face.

"Mind if I come in?"

"Not at all. Something wrong?" Yaz sat up in bed, patting the space next to her.

The Doctor climbed onto the bed and took a seat. "Was gonna ask you the same thing. Jack didn't do or say anythin' to make you uncomfortable, did he? You can slap him if he did, he's used to it."

"No, no, not at all."

"Was it Strax? He's not very good with humans. Or anyone."

"No, Doctor. Nothing's wrong. I'm just a bit overwhelmed, meeting all these people. They're all really great. When are we doing dinner?"

"Oh, okay! As long as you're okay. Can't have Christmas with an upset Yaz!" The Doctor beamed. "Soon! Just have to cook the ham! I'll go do that now!" And with that, the Doctor was off, bounding out the door, leaving Yaz to stare out the door after her. 

Not even five minutes later, Yaz heard what sounded like the word "flamethrower" and was bounding out of her room, towards the kitchen. Along the way, she came across Jack. 

"Did I hear something about a flamethrower?"

"Think the Doctor has one. Said something about cooking the ham?"

"Not again!" Yaz groaned, picking up her pace.

"She's done this before?!"

"Not exactly, but her and cooking is always a disaster. She tried welding a grilled cheese."

"She did WHAT?! She's certainly crazier than I remember."

The pair ran along and soon enough they reached the kitchen. The Doctor had a flamethrower and was aiming it at the ham sat on top of the stove.

"DOCTOR!" 

Yaz skidded to a stop just inside the kitchen, Jack effectively colliding with her and sending her stumbling. This led to the Doctor moving to grab her, glaring over the shorter woman's shoulder at the man.

"Is everything all right, Yaz?"

"You're holding a flamethrower aimed at a ham!"

"And?"

"Even for you, Doctor, this is a bit... insane." Jack piped up, adjusting his bracers, having taken off his coat at some point. Yaz took a step back from the Doctor, hoping the blush on her cheeks wasn't visible.

With all the commotion, they'd drawn the attention of Vastra, Jenny, and Strax who soon appeared in the doorway beside Jack.

"Doctor, what are you doing?" Vastra's voice held a tone that seemed to have the Doctor shrinking away from it. It reminded Yaz of when her mom would get cross with her and Sonya. Instinctively she'd also taken a step back, which seemed to just put her back closer to the Doctor.

"She's got a flamethrower and was about to go at the ham with it." Jack was quick to answer, as it seemed Yaz and the Doctor had gotten distracted, staring at each other.

"Strax, Jenny, why don't you take over the preparation of dinner from the Doctor, before she burns the entire TARDIS down."

"Yes, ma'am." Jenny nodded and Strax simply nodded.

"Doctor, why don't you come with me? I'm curious what your thought process was on this." It wasn't so much a question, as a demand and the Doctor sheepishly stepped from the kitchen, avoiding Strax who seemed all too eager to take the flamethrower off her hands.

"So, Yaz. Why don't we have that chat now?" Jack beamed and Yaz shrugged, she didn't have anything else to really do.

She led him back to her room, which was probably a terrible idea, in retrospect but he seemed a respectable enough guy. He was friends with the Doctor, afterall. They both took a seat in the chairs by the fireplace, which still confused Yaz, about how there could be fireplaces on a spaceship, but then again, said spaceship was also sentient.

"So, tell me about yourself, Yaz."

"I'm from Sheffield, police officer in my second year of probation. I'm Pakistani, a practicibg Muslim, though its a bit hard to keep up with certain things, now that I'm travelling the universe. I met the Doctor on the job, when she fell through the roof of a train. Well, that's what I'm told she did, wasn't actually there when she did it."

Jack nodded a bit. "Just you?"

"No, there's Ryan and Graham, too. We were all there and we helped her out. Then we got stuck on a planet called Desolation for a while. Then when she finally got us back... she just looked so sad, you know?"

"The idea of letting her be alone hurt, didn't it?"

Yaz gave Jack a skeptical look. "How'd you know?"

"You remind me of others, who she used to travel with. Myself included."

"You travelled with her?"

"A few times, yes. Not like you do, one nigh- immortal in the TARDIS at all times is probably for the best, I think."

"I thought you might be."

"Thought I might be what?"

"Older than you look, by a bit. The Doctor gives off the same feeling, has the same look in her eyes. Like you've seen far more than your appearance allows. What was she like? As a bloke?"

Jack nodded, thinking for a bit. "Which time? I knew two of her prior faces."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, the first one I met was... I don't know what all you've been told, but essentially, the Doctor was coming off a very long time being alone, having lost a lot. Was a little out of control, but was still kind. I think that's just the Doctor, kind despite it all. A real pacifist, at the end of the day. A coward, when to be a coward is the brave thing to do. Oh, and hot. I swear, leather jackets look good on everyone." Jack winked and Yaz was suddenly very much aware that she was wearing a leather jacket.

"Oh, wow. And the other?"

"He was softer then, but also harder. There were no second chances and he was starting to grow tired of losing people, I think. He was oblivious to certain things, but I think that's also just a Doctor thing..."

"Oblivious to what?"

"Feelings."

"What do you mean?"

"The Doctor has never quite been able to tell when a companion was in love with her. Not back then and certainly not now. Wasn't ever good with letting them know she felt the same either."

In love? What was he talking about? "What?"

"You aren't all that subtle, Yaz. You like her. I don't blame you. She's brilliant and beautiful and just the right amount of unpredictable. I reckon it's been a long time since she's felt anything for anyone, but I don't know how many faces I've missed."

"She said she was a white-haired Scotsman half an hour before I first met her." Yaz was trying to ignore the rest of his words and what they were doing to her insides.

"Never met him... think Vastra did, though. I briefly met the one before him, if I'm right. Big ears and almost as awkward as she is now. I never quite know with the Doctor."

Yaz was about to ask more questions when there came a knock at the door. "Yes?"

"Dinner's ready, just thought you'd like to know." It was the Doctor's voice, but she hadn't opened the door and Yaz was on her feet and across the room in no time at all, because the Doctor sounded sad. She looked up, almost confused. "You're still dressed..."

"Of course I'm-" Yaz was cut off by Jack coming up behind her.

"I told you, Doctor. I wasn't flirting. I at least got a dance out of Rose before you started trying to bite my head off." And then he was pushing last them, throwing a smile and a thumbs up over his shoulder at Yaz. The Doctor just blinked.

"You okay, Doctor?"

"Yeah, of course! Just... remembering, is all. Nothing to worry yourself over, Yaz! It's Christmas!"

"Will you ever tell me about them? Not now, of course, but eventually? All your friends seem to know them and you mention them sometimes and I just... I don't know, feel like I'm missing something, y'know?" Yaz smiled and the Doctor just nodded. "Hey, what's wrong? Talk to me." She reached up and tucked a stray hair back behind the Doctor's ear. The woman seemed nervous, though Yaz couldn't figure out why.

"Strax took my flamethrower and burnt the ham. Vastra wasn't happy about that. I had the turkey ready, though. Used the time winds. Like when I tried making biscuits, 'cept this time it worked! Then Vastra was asking all these questions and I don't know. It's nothing, forget I said anything, Yaz. It's Christmas and nothing bad happened! Just like I was planning!" The Doctor was rambling, but it was the rambling she used when things got too serious, too fast.

"Does Christmas usually mean trouble for you? More than usual." Yaz teased with a laugh, bumping the Doctor's hip with her own as she started to walk towards the dining room.

"Oi! It's not like I go looking for it!"

"Mmhmm, sure you don't."

"Only sometimes! Usually it just finds me!"

"You're drawn to shiny things that don't make sense and typically need fixing. You definitely go looking for it, Doctor. And I wouldn't want you any other way." She slipped her hand into the Doctor's as they walked, happily surprised when the woman didn't pull away and, instead, interlocked their fingers.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments keep the author going. Let me know what you liked. Let me know what you didn't. Have a thought about it? I wanna hear it.


End file.
